Battle of the Bulge


by Mark New 5/17/15

I just completed my Monday morning ritual of weighing myself. Nothing like starting the week off on a positive note. I have been watching what I eat, which is tiring when you eat as much as I do. Actually, I have been trying to lose. In fact, this morning I lost five minutes getting on and off the scale 20 times to see if my weight fluctuated. It did. It was over by 78 pounds. That’s what happens when you run down the batteries inside a scale.

My mother’s side of the family is genetically disposed to carrying around extra weight. Both on our frames and in our shopping carts. It’s always been a struggle to maintain a healthy weight in my family and we constantly have to watch what we eat. Mostly because we’re constantly eating. (For you students of hacky humor, see what I just did there?). Of course, as one (or more) grows older the metabolism slows down like going from the stream of a new garden hose to a small drizzle as it ages and cracks. As the metabolism slows, the pounds become that much more difficult to come off.

So, a few years ago I “got with the program” and reduced my calories. I kept a journal and recorded every morsel of food that entered my system. I even thought about weighing my waste to see what was exiting my system. But that seemed rather extreme and incredibly gross. But, the grossness may have helped curb my appetite.

I also exercised like the dickens, which really was not as positive as it sounds as I am referring to the Dickens family who live next door to me and are even more sedentary than I am. In fact, Mr. Dickins, who goes by the name Dicky for some strange reason, told me he does not retrieve the newspaper he has delivered to his driveway each morning until after the mail is delivered. That way he only has to make one trip to the bottom of his driveway. Dicky is nothing if not a strategic multitasker.

Well, I did wind up losing quite a bit of weight. Over 30 pounds to be almost exact. Of course, I now had loose skin hanging from my body. I looked like a cross between President Reagan’s neck (not exactly a topical reference any longer) and a Purdue oven stuffer. It wasn’t much of a problem as I put most of the weight back on as soon as I ran out of space in my journal. Or, maybe before that. I get my lame excuses mixed up sometimes.

The battle continues. Now, instead of following one of the myriad of diets available commercially (apparently there are others in the weight loss movement), I have developed my own diet plan. I call it the “Humiliation Diet.” It is based on the principle that most people wish to be respected and liked, and we will do anything to avoid being looked down upon or disliked.. Here are just a few of the features of my revolutionary new diet:

• Purchase a scale with a talking readout (“You weigh 222. You slovenly bastard”). Turn the volume setting to the highest level. Then, take the scale outside to a busy street with lots of people. Weigh yourself.
• Never eat alone. In fact, if you have to eat something high in calories, eat twelve of them in front of 25 people. You will get sick of that highly caloric treat and sick of people loathing you en masse.
• Eat only green stuff. Mostly edible green stuff. For example, don’t eat money. Unless it is the only way you will avoid buying junk food or only way to get yourself to of fiber. If you are color blind, just don’t eat.
• Finally, borrow some low fat, low-calorie recipes from friends and neighbors. Just avoid the ones where people say: “It tastes just like chicken!” In these instances, get your daily dose of exercise buy beating these people to a pulp with a frozen chicken.

Well, there you have it. I don’t know if I helped anyone, but I sure feel better having gotten this all off my chest. Sometimes it feels as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders…and on my belly, legs, buttocks, neck, feet….

Ciao for now. (That’s Italian for “goodbye,” not “chow.”)    |      2015