Battle of the Bulge

  by Mark New 5/17/15         www.MarkNewComedy.com     I just completed my Monday morning ritual of weighing myself. Nothing like starting the week off on a positive note. I have been watching what I eat, which is tiring when you eat as much as I do. Actually, I have been trying to lose. In fact,…


The toilet, my only place of Zen

  The kids are screaming ,it’s loud in the house and I’ve had a long day and just don’t feel like dealing with things. The wife is screaming at the kids to be quiet, I have to get out of this freaking house to regain my sanity but can’t. What is a man to do?…



Let me tell you a little story about a friend of mine. Once, in a terrible marriage, he found his freedom with a divorce, and started to live the wonderful life that he had once envisioned. There were parties every weekend and he was the life of the party most of the time. There were…


The Shower Caddy

In my house, like most American homes, we have a shower caddy. For those of you who do not know what a shower caddy is, it is the “thingamajig” that goes around the shower head which holds the shampoos, soaps, razors, and douche bottles. Come on you know what I am talking about. Now that…

empty toliet roll

Where does all of the toilet paper go?

I understand that women are very clean individuals and that they have feminine needs on a monthly basis. What I don’t understand is how someone can go through a roll (or rolls..) of toilet paper within one day. That’s like 200+ sheets of paper used, approximately 100 feet long. That’s alot of butt wiping. It…


Late for Dinner

It’s not that we come home late after work because we really want to, but let me put it in perspective. After a long and crazy day spent in meetings and putting out fires, the only time that we can do our actual job duties like reading and responding to emails, reviewing contracts, putting together…

what's for dinner

What’s for Dinner?

“What’s for Dinner?” For some reason, these three words tend to create tension from my wife whenever this question is asked. We could be having the greatest casual conversation during my lunch break check-in call and once the three magical words are spoken, I get the complete shutdown. Actually, I get a response with four…


Home Improvement

When did I become a carpenter, painter, drywall finisher, and gardener? If you ask my wife, it happened the day I said, “I do”. The other day, my wife said, “let’s do a few things around the house”. To fully comprehend what she said, I must break down the elements of this seemingly uncomplicated, unambiguous…

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